Tuesday, August 6, 2013

April 20, 2013- The Silly Song and Bad Apple

 "The birds and the bees
Singing in trees
Making me feel like I’m a butterfly
Flying so very high
Holding my breath as I’m looking down at the world
And the ocean blue has
Waved at you
Hoping that you’re holding a lover’s hand
Writing your names in sand
Building a castle where you can live with your girl
Because I can see
That I may be
Falling so swiftly for you
So if I’m a butterfly will you be a butterfly too?
And I can’t believe
Among the trees
There’s a hiding place that’s invisible, maybe even liveable
Would it be forgivable if I said we should go?
This candyfloss rain tastes like champagne
And I’ve heard the sunsets are beautiful, oh so very colourful
And when the moon is full, there is a fireworks show
And now I can see that I may be
Falling so swiftly for you
So if I’m a butterfly will you be a butterfly too?
And suddenly it’s very clear
I’m madly truly deeply so in love with you." - The Silly Song, Carrie Hope Fletcher

Okay, confession time- this is one of my favorite songs. Why? Because it's just really, really pretty. There is absolutely no point to the song except to be this little, whimsical melody about a person who loves another person. This reminds me of something that I would hear in a Disney movie- which makes sense, because Carrie is really already a Disney princess- she even has a song about it.

What is candyfloss?

Oh, I just looked it up- it's cotton candy! Oh, I love cotton candy so much! But how can it rain cotton candy? You see, that's what I love about this song- it doesn't make any sense, but it's so wonderful and cheerful and lovely that it doesn't have to.

And then there's another favorite song of mine:

"Ever on and on, I continue circling, with nothing but my hate
in a carousel of agony.
'Till slowly I forget, and my heart starts vanishing,
and suddenly I see that I can't break free.
I'm slipping through the cracks of a dark eternity, with nothing
but my pain and the paralyzing agony
to tell me who I am, who I was, uncertainty
enveloping my mind, 'till I can't break free,

Maybe it's a dream; maybe nothing else is real.
But it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel.
So I'm tired of all the pain,of the misery inside,
and I wish that I could live feeling nothing but the night.
You can tell me what to say; you can tell me where to go
But I doubt that i would care, and my heart will never know." - Bad Apple, I don't even know

Yeah... blame Maddy, okay? She had this song on loop all meeting yesterday.

What on earth? How can two of my current favorite songs be so different from one another. One's slow and cheerful and carefree, the other is fast and intense and dark, but I love them both so much and it just doesn't make sense.

You obviously wouldn't see Bad Apple being sung be Cinderella.

My mother heard me singing it this morning and told me I needed help- maybe I do. Maybe having such an odd range of musical tastes is a sign of an unhealthy mind. At least that's what mom says.

Or maybe I'm not disturbed at all. I mean, perhaps I am disturbed, but not about this... perhaps I just like the songs. And that's alright.

You know, I read once that our taste in music says everything about us. I'm not really sure what to make of that. All I know is that when I hear The Silly Song I imagine far off places and handsome princes and butterflies and just all around happiness, and it makes me happy. And when I hear Bad Apple, I feel... strange. I feel almost unhappy with life, almost as if there's something more out there that I don't have, and that I may never have. It's the same way I feel when mom yells at me- probably because she says those exact things to me. It makes me feel unhappy, but it honestly makes me think- what reasons do I have to be unhappy?

Oh, I don't know. What these two songs have in common is that they both take me to different places- one a very happy, lovely place, the other a dark, confusing place. But they both make me think that maybe there's something out there that I'm not seeing for some reason- maybe there's another world that's just calling me- maybe there's real happiness but I just have to go for it.

I think I want to have something like the Silly Song, but I think that I might be too much like the girl in Bad Apple. I might be too afraid to leave what I have in order to find that happiness, and that is a very scary thought.

I have a happy life- I do. I have a wonderful mother who loves me, a darling sister who's absolutely lovely and friends whom I would do absolutely anything for. I may not deserve any of that, but I have it somehow. And even though I know I'm not good enough for them, I'm eternally grateful for them.

But maybe there is a world out there like the Silly Song describes- paradise. A place where I can be free, where no one would yell at me, where I would be in love and where I could find someone who loved me and where I would finally be good enough for someone, a place where I could finally be happy and where people would love me and where I don't constantly have to feel as if I'm not good enough, a place where I can actually be good enough for someone-

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just gone off like that. I don't know what that was.

But, anyhow, if there was a paradise like that, what would I have to leave behind to get there? Do I even deserve it?

And this has been me attempting to be philosophical. I tried to sound like Combeferre and most likely ended up sounding like Grantaire. I'm sorry, Anne, I just... I've really thought a lot about this over the past few days.

I can't help feeling as if something is about to change- as if something really big and magnificent is going to happen and I don't know if I want it to. I feel as if something is about to change my life, and it is a very, very scary feeling.

                                   Yours for Eternity,

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