April 25, 2013 - Something is Amiss

Dear Anne,
      Today is just one of those days that don't seem real, you know?

       I know I probably sound like some sort of addict here, but I swear that this makes sense.

        Today I woke up at four in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I typically wake early- but never quite that early. I lay in bed for what felt like hours, but each time I glanced at the clock I found that only a few minutes had passed. Eventually I managed to fall back into a fitful sleep, but it was no use- twenty minutes later the alarm rang. I typically don';t even use the alarm- I naturally rise around five thirty. The alarm is set for six.

         For once, Lucy woke up before me. As usual, I made both of our beds as she went down to have breakfast, and I cleaned up whatever we had scattered carelessly around the room last night. Mother, of course, was angry at me for waking late, and I barely had time to say goodbye to Lucy before she left for school at seven. Mother checked that the chores were done- for once, they were actually completed to her liking. With that pleasant surprise, I was able to go out for a walk in the garden before school. My swing was all soggy from the rains several days ago, but that was alright- I didn't mind, really. I still swung anyway, getting my new skirt wet in the process.

       Then we left for school, and we picked up Maddy and Noelle. The convenient this about Maddy living right at the bottom of our hill is that instead of taking the bus she can always just ride to school with us. However Noelle, although she lives practically right next to Maddy, takes the bus, so she typically takes the bus each morning to school (Finn always picks Alexandra up in his new car). However, Noelle had slept over at Maddy's house that night, and so they both rode to school with us this morning.

     Maddy finally purchased the Rose translation from Barnes and Noble, and she says she's so confused by all of the footnotes. I can sympathize.

        Maddy then turned on the music- she brought her Pitch perfect soundtrack, of course, because if she's riding in a limosine she's going to make the best of it. So we danced around to Party in the USA for a while, and started our day off quite nicely.

       However, all morning long I feel as if I've been walking around in a sort of... fog. I can't explain it. This entire morning just feels so... surreal. You wake up and it isn't quite day or night and then you have to dress and go to school. I'm actually writing this at school.

            Perhaps it's that I'm worried about something. I can't imagine what. I do have my dance class today, in which I'm always scolded seeing as I happen to lack any natural rhythm whatsoever. My dance teacher weeps over me- "so graceful and yet so rhythmless!" It's such a tragedy.

        I know that it's probably that I didn't sleep well- I'm sure. However, the feeling from several days before still has not left me- the feeling of foreboding, of unease. If anything, it's grown stronger. I wish I could explain it better- I just can't. It's simply too complicated, and what I feel is far beyond the limits of my vocabulary to define.

           Jehan would approve.

                                            Yours in life and otherwise,
                                                                            Isabella

April 24, 2013- A Happy Day

Dear Anne,
     Today is a very happy day.

        Just a few minutes ago, mom came in to my room. She hasn't spoken to me since Lucy and I spilled the grape juice and I've been in agonies over it for days. But she has forgiven me, and even says that she'll pay for the carpet.

       You know, Anne, sometimes I feel really depressed after a fight, even if I do deserve what I get, but when mom gives me a hug and tells me that she loves me, it makes it all feel better.

     She always forgives me, no matter what I do- or say I do.

    She gave me this beautiful little thing- a ring, with little emeralds in it. I love it so much. She says it's a present for me. It's so beautiful.

     I'm so tired now, Anne, but I am so happy. So, so happy.

                                          Yours now and forever,
                                                                Bella

April 23, 2012- And, On A Lighter Note, A Rabbit

Dear Anne,
      We went to visit Maria in the hospital today. Apparently her throat just swelled up all of a sudden. She looks awful. When we were in the waiting room, an ambulance pulled up outside. I watched from the window as they rolled out a stretcher. There was a man there and his leg was almost completely severed.

       I don't think anyone was supposed to see that. I almost threw up and I think I had sort of a miniature panic attack- not sure. It was awful.

       However, I don't think that Jehan would have been scared, so I keep telling myself that it wasn't that bad. But it was. Now, any time I close my eyes I see that man's leg... can you imagine how awful that would be? To have your leg severed in some horrific accident like that, and you would never be able to live your life as usual, ever again? You may never walk again- or, at least, you would have to learn how to use a fake leg. That would be really sickening.

     Marleni said the oddest thing today. I'm going to give you a rough transcript, because I haven't been able to forget it all day.

    "Once, when I was younger, my friend Natalie and I saw a rabbit fall out of a tree. I have no idea how the rabbit got there, but it was up in a really high tree and it just jumped off. It was a very brave rabbit, I think. Or maybe it was very stupid, because it was under the illusion that it was a bird. Either way, it landed on a car that was driving under the tree. We watched the car just speed off, and the rabbit was just sitting on the roof of the car, twitching it's nose- I don't think the driver of the car even realized that he had gained a new pet rabbit. Isn't that odd?"

       Marleni has the most interesting stories...

                Yours until the core of the earth implodes and we all burn in agony for all eternity,
                                                                         Bella

P.S.- Was the sign off too much today? Not sure. I like it, though.

April 22, 2013- Hating Everything

Dear Anne,
      Is it possible to hate everything?

     Bridget says that it is. What's more, she says that she does hate everything. Frankly I think that she is simply being a bit overdramatic, but even so I comforted her and I listened to what was bothering her.

   Poor Bridget has such a great voice, but she thinks that she sounds absolutely awful. At her singing lesson she was completely unable to hit any of the notes that she had been practicing for weeks, and she told me that she started crying right in front of her instructor because she was so upset. And then she just wanted to get home because she had been crying when her mom started pushing her to say what was wrong when she obviously didn't wish to talk about it. And then her little brother wanted tog o look at video games, and Bridget didn't get home for twenty minutes. For some reason, when she tried to call me I wouldn't answer the phone. (Isn't it funny that when we actually need someone, they never answer when we call them?)

       And thus, she hates everything.

     Is this grounds for hating everything? I can't be sure. I suppose that it could qualify. It's just that I know how important singing is to Bridget, and it really surprised me that she told me all this because Bridget doesn't really like to talk about her problems- something that I suppose her mother should know.

     Even so, I feel that Bridget is being a bit overdramatic in this. Then again, I am not a singer. She just has so many self-esteem issues already that I honestly feel bad for her.

    I wish I could think of some way to help her.

    Today Maria Velazquez had another allergy attack. Apparently she accidentally ate something bad at lunch, and during math class her throat started to close up. Rachel and Brian took her down to the nurse. I hope that she will be okay. When Avielle found out, she was really upset. Apparently her mother is friends with Maria's from work, so Avi knows her. She said that she was going to visit her in the hospital later today, and Elsa and I are going to go along.

     Avielle emailed me the neatest thing. She made a picture of all of us on some online doll site. It's so pretty! I printed it out so I could paste it in this diary. I look so nice- green!

     I wish I could draw. I could actually DRAW a picture of all of us- it would be really cool. I think Noelle can draw- maybe I'll ask her.

                      Yours till the sea boils,
                                                  Bella

April 21, 2013- A Stain

Dear Anne,
      Avielle said the strangest thing today.

      Well, you know how Avi is, like, completely into Harry Potter and stuff? Well, today we all met up at the park, and she was sorting us all into different Hogwarts 'houses'. I don't know much about Harry Potter- it's always been a bit to confusing for me, even though the premise is really, really appealing- an unhappy boy finds out that he is a wizard and gets to go to this magic school. It's absolutely fascinating... wouldn't that be something to happen?

      Anyway, Avielle loves to tease me about my lack of Potter knowledge- she calls me Luna Lovegood, who I think is a character in the books. I'm not sure what that means.

     But today she called me something else- she called me a Hufflepuff. I wasn't sure what that meant, and I almost thought it was an insult- however, she assured me that it wasn't. And thus she gave me a rundown of all four Hogwarts houses.

   Apparently Ravenclaws are supposed to be very intelligent and witty, Gryffindors are supposed to be brave and chivialrous, Slytherins are supposedly very cunning and intelligent, and Hufflepuffs are loyal and honest.

     Now I would like to read the books, because this makes me think- am I a Hufflepuff, or am I more of a Ravenclaw? I only bring this up because Avielle said that she really wanted to "put me" in Ravenclaw, but overall decided I was more of a Hufflepuff. I would like to think that I am intelligent- I suppose that my grades don't really say either way.

     But Hufflepuffs are just supposed to be absolutely lovely people- they're always honset, which I always try to be, always kind, which I try my hardest to be every single day, and loyal- I don't really know if I am loyal, but I certainly would like to be. I care about my friends more than anything, so I suppose...

      I wonder what house Jehan would be in? i think he would be a Ravenclaw. But maybe he'd be a Hufflepuff like me.

     Anyhow, today Lucy spilled her grape juice all over the carpet. I told her not to take it in to the living room, but she did. We just had that room carpeted, too! And we would have to have chosen white, wouldn't we?

Anyway, when it spilled we both screamed and mother ran into the room. Lucy had put the glass down on the table, so mom couldn't tell who did it. She was furious and demanded to know exactly who had done it.

     I said it was me.

     What else could I do, Anne? Lucy looked so scared and it's her birthday in a couple of weeks, and I simply couldn't let her get in to trouble like that. Besides, it was my fault anyway because I never should ahve let her go in to the living room.

    I thought that mother was going to murder me, honestly. Her face turned all red and she grabbed my wrist so that I almost thought it would break. She forced me to clean up the entire puddle. I had to sit there for two hours dabbing that out of the carpet and I didn't get dinner tonight. It still isn't all out. Mother says I have to pay for the cleaning men to come and fix it.

     That's alright, though. I'm not angry. As long as it wasn't Lucy...

    I can't write any longer. My hands hurt from scrubbing.

                                   Yours till the moon goes dark,
                                                                Bella

April 20, 2013- The Silly Song and Bad Apple

 "The birds and the bees
Singing in trees
Making me feel like I’m a butterfly
Flying so very high
Holding my breath as I’m looking down at the world
And the ocean blue has
Waved at you
Hoping that you’re holding a lover’s hand
Writing your names in sand
Building a castle where you can live with your girl
Because I can see
That I may be
Falling so swiftly for you
So if I’m a butterfly will you be a butterfly too?
And I can’t believe
Among the trees
There’s a hiding place that’s invisible, maybe even liveable
Would it be forgivable if I said we should go?
This candyfloss rain tastes like champagne
And I’ve heard the sunsets are beautiful, oh so very colourful
And when the moon is full, there is a fireworks show
And now I can see that I may be
Falling so swiftly for you
So if I’m a butterfly will you be a butterfly too?
And suddenly it’s very clear
I’m madly truly deeply so in love with you." - The Silly Song, Carrie Hope Fletcher

Okay, confession time- this is one of my favorite songs. Why? Because it's just really, really pretty. There is absolutely no point to the song except to be this little, whimsical melody about a person who loves another person. This reminds me of something that I would hear in a Disney movie- which makes sense, because Carrie is really already a Disney princess- she even has a song about it.

What is candyfloss?

Oh, I just looked it up- it's cotton candy! Oh, I love cotton candy so much! But how can it rain cotton candy? You see, that's what I love about this song- it doesn't make any sense, but it's so wonderful and cheerful and lovely that it doesn't have to.

And then there's another favorite song of mine:

"Ever on and on, I continue circling, with nothing but my hate
in a carousel of agony.
'Till slowly I forget, and my heart starts vanishing,
and suddenly I see that I can't break free.
I'm slipping through the cracks of a dark eternity, with nothing
but my pain and the paralyzing agony
to tell me who I am, who I was, uncertainty
enveloping my mind, 'till I can't break free,
and

Maybe it's a dream; maybe nothing else is real.
But it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel.
So I'm tired of all the pain,of the misery inside,
and I wish that I could live feeling nothing but the night.
You can tell me what to say; you can tell me where to go
But I doubt that i would care, and my heart will never know." - Bad Apple, I don't even know

Yeah... blame Maddy, okay? She had this song on loop all meeting yesterday.

What on earth? How can two of my current favorite songs be so different from one another. One's slow and cheerful and carefree, the other is fast and intense and dark, but I love them both so much and it just doesn't make sense.

You obviously wouldn't see Bad Apple being sung be Cinderella.

My mother heard me singing it this morning and told me I needed help- maybe I do. Maybe having such an odd range of musical tastes is a sign of an unhealthy mind. At least that's what mom says.

Or maybe I'm not disturbed at all. I mean, perhaps I am disturbed, but not about this... perhaps I just like the songs. And that's alright.

You know, I read once that our taste in music says everything about us. I'm not really sure what to make of that. All I know is that when I hear The Silly Song I imagine far off places and handsome princes and butterflies and just all around happiness, and it makes me happy. And when I hear Bad Apple, I feel... strange. I feel almost unhappy with life, almost as if there's something more out there that I don't have, and that I may never have. It's the same way I feel when mom yells at me- probably because she says those exact things to me. It makes me feel unhappy, but it honestly makes me think- what reasons do I have to be unhappy?

Oh, I don't know. What these two songs have in common is that they both take me to different places- one a very happy, lovely place, the other a dark, confusing place. But they both make me think that maybe there's something out there that I'm not seeing for some reason- maybe there's another world that's just calling me- maybe there's real happiness but I just have to go for it.

I think I want to have something like the Silly Song, but I think that I might be too much like the girl in Bad Apple. I might be too afraid to leave what I have in order to find that happiness, and that is a very scary thought.

I have a happy life- I do. I have a wonderful mother who loves me, a darling sister who's absolutely lovely and friends whom I would do absolutely anything for. I may not deserve any of that, but I have it somehow. And even though I know I'm not good enough for them, I'm eternally grateful for them.

But maybe there is a world out there like the Silly Song describes- paradise. A place where I can be free, where no one would yell at me, where I would be in love and where I could find someone who loved me and where I would finally be good enough for someone, a place where I could finally be happy and where people would love me and where I don't constantly have to feel as if I'm not good enough, a place where I can actually be good enough for someone-

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just gone off like that. I don't know what that was.

But, anyhow, if there was a paradise like that, what would I have to leave behind to get there? Do I even deserve it?

And this has been me attempting to be philosophical. I tried to sound like Combeferre and most likely ended up sounding like Grantaire. I'm sorry, Anne, I just... I've really thought a lot about this over the past few days.

I can't help feeling as if something is about to change- as if something really big and magnificent is going to happen and I don't know if I want it to. I feel as if something is about to change my life, and it is a very, very scary feeling.

                                   Yours for Eternity,
                                                       Bella

April 19, 2013- A Meeting

Dear Anne,
      Ally wants to hold another meeting tonight. It will be at Avielle's house, because Avielle's been banned from Ally's house after the pyrotechnic mishap from a few weeks ago.

     I have a few questions that i would like to bring up to the group- are the barricades really inescapable? I only mean, it seems rather strange that EVERYONE died. I don't quite understand how that could be. I mean, surely there must have been some way out... somehow.

     I honestly really love The Great Gatsby. To be honest, I think that my favorite character is Daisy. I know she comes off as a bit pretentious, but I really do think that she has a lot going on in her mind. I feel bad for her, being married to someone like Tom- whether he loves her or not, he's still cheating on her with Myrtle. I could never be married to anyone who didn't love me with all of his heart.

     But, maybe I'm simply old fashioned.

    I found a stray kitten today. I had to stop the limo and everything. The poor thing was shivering under a bush. I felt so bad for it. it was one of those little gray things... speckled, sort of. I don't know much about cats, but it was adorable. I wish I could have taken it home, but mom would never let me keep it. We took it to the pound. There are a lot of pit bulls there.

   Honestly, the pit bulls at the pound sort of scare me. I know it's sort of awful of me to think that, for I know that all pit bulls aren't awful, but... the ones at the pound just looked so angry. They were snarling and barking, and they just looked so upset! Their cells were filthy, and they were all dirty, and they were covered in fleas- oh, I just wanted to hug them! But I think they would have eaten me, so I forced myself to refrain.

  I can't write any longer- I need to get to the Amigas meeting.

                                         Yours until the Sun Explodes,
                                                                          Bella